You’ve all heard the argument FOR bicycle-commuting. The usual “it’s environmentally friendly,” and “you’ll be healthy!!” Well, here are ten reasons that I think you SHOULDN’T take that commute to work via two wheels;

1. You’ll die. Seriously dude, you’re gonna die.

2. Riding a bike to work helps maintain a certain level of fitness, so it’s a lot like going to the gym. No one likes going to the gym.

3. You’ll get sweaty and gross. You may not know this, but the average change of clothes and a stick of deodorant weigh roughly 45-50 lbs. Who wants to lug that around?

4. The road is for cars. I know you’re going to say “but Jesse, modern roads wouldn’t EXIST, were it not for the bicycle!”, and you’d be a jerk for saying so. A Jerk.

5. Big Bicycle (a monopoly, really) is brainwashing you. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid!

6. Everyone’s faster than you. They are going to pass you, and laugh at you. You’ll be ashamed, and fall into a deep depression. Really, if while riding to work you can’t even keep up with your carbon fiber equipped lycra-clad brothers and sisters, what good even are you?

7. People will think you’re part of Critical Mass.

8. Once, while trying to ride to work, someone yelled “hey, get off the road! you belong on the sidewalk!” When I moved to the sidewalk, a pedestrian yelled “HEY! get off the sidewalk! You belong in the road!” You see the conundrum.

9. In the movie Independence Day, Jeff Goldblum rides a bike everywhere, and ends up having to use Mac OS 7.3.5 (Classic!) to stop an alien invasion. What if this happens to you now? You can’t even BUY a computer with Mac OS 7.3.5! You’ll have doomed the whole of the human race. That’s a HUGE responsibility, and frankly my friend, you aren’t up for it.

10. You may start riding a recumbent bicycle, and grow a dorky beard/ponytail/fanny pack.